my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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