When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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