i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i love accidental penises.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she peed on how many people?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
