Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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