So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize