Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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