the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
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my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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