u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
