just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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