I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just forgot I was standing up.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
