She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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