hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
