From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
