i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
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so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
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He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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