At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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