Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
