WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
