Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
