I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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