Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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