Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
