Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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