How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
