I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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