Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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