i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
