I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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