So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
