he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
