Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
