i think my tv is drunk
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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