Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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