I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
