He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
