I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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