Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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