While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
