Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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