Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
