In the future we'll all be gay
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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