I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
