I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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