Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.