I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just found a bag of teeth...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.