Can i not drive my cunt home
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
Nicole vs. Life
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat