my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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