would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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