I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
