He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
