she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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