sarcasm needs its own font
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
