I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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