I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
