I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
