It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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