Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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